The Effects of Divorce on Children

Should you stay together for the children when things go wrong in a marriage? Actually, divorce may be the better option for them in the long run. Living with a tense atmosphere and maybe even the odd slamming door and shouting match can do more harm than the parents' separation. Even without these signs children can sense when things aren't quite right.

During divorce proceedings try to make sure the children know what is going on. Explain it in terms they can understand. They need to know how they will be affected and reassured that you will do your best to keep their lives as unchanged as possible. Try to avoid a situation where they will have to leave their school and friends at the same time as seeing their parents separate.

Many children will wonder if they are to blame somehow. It must be affirmed over and again that this is not their fault by both parents before it will sink in. In fact apportioning blame to anyone in front of the children is not a good idea even if it's quite obvious what lead to the troubles.

Then they have the agony of wondering if they should be taking one parent's side over the other. It's best not to use your children as a confidant during this emotional time regardless of how mature they may seem. They should be allowed to carry on loving each parent as they did before without the knowledge of what one did or said to the other. You can do your crying on the shoulder of an understanding adult friend.

Keeping schools and other organisations your children belong to informed is a good idea. The official adults they are in contact with can then make more informed decisions on how to behave with your child. They are also more likely to notice if there are any profound changes in your child's behaviour which may suggest they are not handling the situation well. There is no shame in divorce these days. It is certainly not uncommon and these official adults may well have previous experience with children in this situation and be able to help.

There will always be the situation where one parent is not prepared to play along with the best practices. The one that does put down the other parent in front of the children, doesn't turn up when they're expected or won't let the children visit with the other parent. It's best not to 'play them at their own game'. An announcement of 'See I told you daddy's a bastard/mummy's a bitch!' is perhaps not the best way to go.

Children need to still have both parents and know that both parents still want them. There will always end up being just the one principle carer but the other parent should still make a place in their home that belongs to the children. Even if it's only a corner of a room where they can keep some of their bits and pieces. It shows them that they are always wanted there.

It can be awkward when, once the divorce is over, one of the parents finds a new partner - assuming that a new partner wasn't the reason for the divorce. The initial introduction is probably best done as a friend rather than lover. Children will have a chance of developing a relationship without the fear of upsetting the other parent before they are told that the new friend is rather more than that.

The children will also want both parents to be involved in the important events in their lives from nativity plays to exam results. If you are the principle carer make sure the other parent knows about these events and how to get tickets or what date results are due so they can also make the effort to be there. At the end of the day, even though your marriage has ended and the divorce has come through, you are in a partnership for life as two parents for each child born out of that marriage.

Author Clare Denton offers help and support for divorcing couples. Here she talks about how to minimize the effects of divorce on children . For more information visit her site at Divorce Advice
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